An Alternative to Spanking: Part 1

In my previous post, I discussed how spanking has been found to be ineffective in changing behaviors, so I wanted to offer an alternative to spanking that may result in significant changes for the better. I found these techniques in a book entitled No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Seigel, M.D., and Tine Payne Bryson, Ph.D. Thus, I would like to make several posts on the topic, but first, we will start with some questions that should be asked as a parent before responding to misbehavior.

As a parent, do you feel as if you are primarily reacting to your child when they misbehave? And then possibly dish out a punishment or consequence right away? Rather than doing this, think about the following three questions when your child misbehaves, and then in future posts, I will be giving strategies that can be used to develop a game plan for handling these situations. All in all, this helps you develop more of a connection with your child and skills that they can be use in the future to help them handle stressful situations. An added benefit is that it helps develop the parts of their brain that deal with logic and other aspects of higher level thinking.

First of all, it's about understanding why the behavior is occurring. Is my child having a tantrum because he or she is hungry or tired? Is there something that is overwhelming and hard to handle at the moment? It's also important to consider the age of a child- Is the child at an age where they can't regulate their emotions. I do ask these questions when my child misbehaves- Is she very tried? Does she not feel good? One problem that my daughter has sometimes is that she gets angry and has a tantrum because she's trying to communicate something, and we can't understand what she wants. For example, recently, she say what sounded like "Pete," so I thought that meant she wanted to read or get her Pete the Cat book. When I pulled out the book, she would get upset, and yell, "No!!!!!" I finally figured out that she really meant, "Paint." So, one way for us to solve this problem is to work on communication skills and pronouncing words correctly as a secondary skill to help reduce future tantrums and frustration. This main question of understanding the why helps direct you to solutions and questions to ask the child.

Then, one should think about what lesson should be taught in that moment and how best to teach it. For example, if my daughter slapped me, what do I want to teach her about hitting and how best should I teach it? Again, this is more about discipline and teaching children skills that can be used in the future.